English Joke

 http://teacherjoe.us/Jokes.html 

 http://homepage3.nifty.com/transjaws/joke.htm 

  http://www.tomaro.blogfa.com/post-17.aspx 

http://www.englishhome.ru/joke.html 

http://www.abcdenglish.com/ 

http://www.polakemah.blogfa.com/post-9.aspx 

http://www.ahajokes.com/eng011.html 

http://www.english-magazine.org/content/view/103/26/ 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZToKNpJVUk 

http://houseofhumor.vox.com/library/posts/tags/english+joke/ 

http://iteslj.org/c/jokes.html 

http://www.englishhome.ru/joke2.html 

http://learnenglish.ecenglish.com/lessons/cartoon-english-joke-2 

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Passmore+Sisters/_/Grim+English+Joke 

    http://www.lol.com/joke/show/2020 

http://ask.metafilter.com/42774/How-does-this-IrishEnglish-joke-go 

http://timworstall.typepad.com/timworstall/2006/08/best_english_jo.html 

 http://www.expats.cz/prague/t-192912.html 

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside
. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!

That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes
that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said
, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow sure!

9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi

Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???

12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…

Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…

 13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

ENGLISH-4-ALL 
 

Download: 9999.mp3

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Download: 9987.mp3

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Download: 9974.mp3

The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.

NOTES:
Present Tense: I am beautiful.
Past Tense: I was beautiful.
This is funny because the teacher isn't beautiful now, but maybe she was beautiful when she was younger.

Download: 9968.mp3

In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."

Student: I is the ...

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Download: 9969.mp3

A: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

B: I think you are pretty ugly.

Insulting someone is often considered funny, especially when that person is fishing for a complement.

NOTE: pretty ugly = very ugly  

English Joke - Coins

Download: 9979.mp3

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."

 

 

 

 Good News & Bad News

Download: 9980.mp3

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

 

 

 

 The Frog & The Engineer

Download: 9981.mp3

 

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

 

Love & Marriage

Download: 9982.mp3

People often enjoy joking about love and marriage.

Here is a joke about the first three years of marriage.

• In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
• In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.
• In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Here's another joke about marriage.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Now let's listen to a couple of riddles about marriage.

Here's the first one.

Q: Why are men with pierced ears better suited for marriage?
A: Because they have suffered and bought jewelry.

Here's another riddle.

Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I'll end today's podcast with a humorous proverb-like saying.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.