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Ask And You Shall RecieveEnglish Joke
http://teacherjoe.us/Jokes.html
http://homepage3.nifty.com/transjaws/joke.htm
http://www.tomaro.blogfa.com/post-17.aspx
http://www.englishhome.ru/joke.html
http://www.polakemah.blogfa.com/post-9.aspx
http://www.ahajokes.com/eng011.html
http://www.english-magazine.org/content/view/103/26/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZToKNpJVUk
http://houseofhumor.vox.com/library/posts/tags/english+joke/
http://iteslj.org/c/jokes.html
http://www.englishhome.ru/joke2.html
http://learnenglish.ecenglish.com/lessons/cartoon-english-joke-2
http://www.last.fm/music/The+Passmore+Sisters/_/Grim+English+Joke
http://www.lol.com/joke/show/2020
http://ask.metafilter.com/42774/How-does-this-IrishEnglish-joke-go
http://timworstall.typepad.com/timworstall/2006/08/best_english_jo.html
http://www.expats.cz/prague/t-192912.html
Joke
A 6.9 is...
D you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.
A little boy's question
One day a little boy goes to his Mother and asks her, "Mom, do honies have legs?"
The Mother replies, "Why are you asking me this?" to which the little boy answers, "Because every night when I go to bed, I hear Dad say 'Honey, open your legs'
Can't be 12 inches long
Why can’t a penis be 12 inches long?
Because 12 inches is a foot.
Condom buyers
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied.
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
Dictionary definitions
I'm thinking about getting married. I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged."
Eating out?
What's a guys favorite thing to eat?
His girlfriend.
Love, true love...
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Mechanic sex
How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
Oral sex and anal sex
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Pink and purple
What's the difference between pink and purple?
Her grip.
Sex speed limit
What's the speed limit of sex?
68, because 69 means you have to turn around
Short, but long.
What is the shortest sentence in the English Dictionary, but the longest sentence of your life?
"I do."
Stow away
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."
Tornadoes and marriage
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Wearing the pants
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude
D you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.
A little boy's question
One day a little boy goes to his Mother and asks her, "Mom, do honies have legs?"
The Mother replies, "Why are you asking me this?" to which the little boy answers, "Because every night when I go to bed, I hear Dad say 'Honey, open your legs'
Can't be 12 inches long
Why can’t a penis be 12 inches long?
Because 12 inches is a foot.
Condom buyers
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied.
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
Dictionary definitions
I'm thinking about getting married. I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged."
Eating out?
What's a guys favorite thing to eat?
His girlfriend.
Love, true love...
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Mechanic sex
How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
Oral sex and anal sex
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Pink and purple
What's the difference between pink and purple?
Her grip.
Sex speed limit
What's the speed limit of sex?
68, because 69 means you have to turn around
Short, but long.
What is the shortest sentence in the English Dictionary, but the longest sentence of your life?
"I do."
Stow away
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."
Tornadoes and marriage
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Wearing the pants
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude